August 19, 2009

Bad mom!

Lately I seem to have fallen into a "funk". I've been going in and out of said "funk" for some time now... I'm pretty sure it started after Jack was born, post-pardum depression, but I got pregnant with Emily so soon after Jack (3 months to be exact! Crazy, yes I know!) that I couldn't really "fix" the problem. It seemed to be going ok for awhile after Emily was born: a beautiful newborn who naps and has little needs, a 1 year old who still takes naps, eats what you give him, doesn't talk back (yes my 2 1/2 year old already talks back to me!) . I could accomplish so much: a clean house, laundry done & put away, a little baking, even some on-line wandering. Then... my sweet little one year old hit his terrible 2's and my precious newborn became mobile!!!! I lost it! I lost my mojo! No more clean house or clothes! Forget about baking, I could hardly put together an edible lunch! I was... well I was starting to freak out inside! Could I handle this, being a mother to 2 small children, a home maker, a wife (well soon to be!). Could I accomplish what I set out to do: Raise a beautiful healthy family who sticks together through thick and thin. I was seriously doubting my abilities to do much of anything, let alone that. So, I started reading and reading and reading. I pretty much lost myself in the world of fiction. Soon it became all I wanted to do. It's great to have a love of reading and I'm all for it, but I can honestly say it was becoming a problem! I read 4 books in 4 days! I mean that's a problem! In any case, Rob suggested I start seeing a counselor and talk to them to see if I can be "fixed" (my words!) . Well, I started seeing a counselor a couple months back and it seemed to have helped. I could understand more of where these feelings were coming from and how to deal with them. Ok so here's the problem I started running into, we are not poor but we are also not rich. With a wedding coming up, and 2 kids to buy diapers for, rent, bills, only one job... things were getting tight. So we had to cut back somewhere... sianara counselor! So it's been a bout a month and a half since I've talked to anyone about my "problems" and I've noticed my "funk" slowly creeping back over me!! How frustrating! I just want to be a good mom and wife! It's simple really I want a happy life! Not much to ask for in my opinion. Well, today while doing the dishes it occured to me " Ashleigh, you are just not waking up right!". I wake up so grumpy and have a horrible out look on the day. This is a little insight into my morning thoughts: "bathroom, I need a bathroom!", "come on guys (my kids) just let me sleep a little longer!", "do I have to feed you, cant you just find something". Well, that list could go on, but even just typing those things makes me want to cry. I really don't think I'm a bad mom, but seeing that well... I feel like crap about my mothering! So, here's my goal: Wake up happy!!! Simple enough! How to implement said goal: Well, I have no idea really! :/ I guess I'll try to not stay up so late (big problem of mine!), I definitely need to start eating better! (fatty patty!), focusing on my kids in the a.m.. I think this will start my day off to a good start! I know I have been rambling on and this doesn't have anything to do with things that make me smile or make me happy, but in a way it does. Happy mom happy family! So, I think I might start writing about my progress to self-happiness along with things that make me smile and make me happy! Hope I can find some inspiration and maybe also inspire along the way! Here's to happiness!

I've also been having a HORRIBLE time with Jack, his behavior and eating habbits are bad to say the least! So, I will bloggin about our progress with that as well. I'm sure my vibe has been rubbing off on him too :(

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